All That Is Good

This week’s learning was about ‘Heart Transplant’, specifically Ezekiel 36:26: I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. This week’s speaker was just phenomenal, her name is Goldie Gibson and she has the biggest heart for God that I’ve ever seen. She’s 60 years old and just loves Jesus so much, she’s also never been married because she has been patiently waiting on God’s timing. She’s awesome.
The beginning of this week was really tough, I felt so gross and twisted inside because I began to open up the problems that I re-sealed off a few weeks ago. I felt like this was the wrong feeling to have because I was giving it to God, He’s supposed to make me feel at peace, right? RIGHT?! Healing is all about process, and I hate that. I hate having to deal with the issues, it hurts and it makes me think about things that I hate thinking about. Well Goldie was talking about how we need to be with God in the hurt, and that’s one of the hardest things to do. I was hurt and refused to deal with it, so I ignored the wound and let it scab over so it stopped hurting; however that made the wound get infected. So when I finally decided to give it to God, it hurt like a mother because it’d been festering there for so long. I’m sorry this is kinda graphic, but that’s seriously how I feel inside and it sucks. But after spending some time with God in the hurt, I’ve started to feel a little better and have been able to breathe deeper than I ever have before. I still wish it was a faster process, but it’s going to be worth it in the end.

I also had a few new revelations this week. First, I was sitting with God and thinking about love. To truly love someone and be loved, you need to trust them. Easy enough. Oh wait, no. To trust that person you need to be vulnerable to them. VULNERABLE. That might be the scariest word ever (and I am only talking about emotions, don’t be physically vulnerable). Maybe it’s because I’ve been hurt so much or because I’ve silently suffered with low self-esteem, but regardless it’s a major thing. Society makes each one of us feel like wimps, have you ever noticed that? If you cry, you’re a pansy. If you talk about your feelings, you’re a ‘woman’. If you can’t bench your body weight, you’re a weakling. Vulnerability is a major NO and to do so is putting you at a very high risk. This mindset has completely affected my relationship with God and it is something that really needs to be fixed, so that has been my prayer for the past week. It’s a scary prayer, but I’m doing it!!! Secondly, I had the realization that love is freedom. It’s something I’ve known for my whole life, but I never really believed it. From experience I’ve learned in my heart that to be vulnerable to love means that I open myself up for being manipulated and controlled. No thanks. But I’ve started taking steps toward trusting God and knowing that He makes all things work together for my good. Baby steps!

I also want to apologize for the fact that I haven’t called anyone in a few weeks. I ran out of phone card minutes and haven’t had the internet to add more.
Well, this weekend was our second (and final) free weekend, which is why this blog is being posted late. Ten of us rented a house for the weekend up at Hahei and Cathedral Cove, and it was gorgeous. For those of you who don’t know, Cathedral Cove is the beautiful beach from Prince Caspian (Narnia!) when the four Pevensie kids randomly end up back in Narnia from the bus station. It was so beautiful. The pictures will be posted on facebook as soon as I get real internet. On Saturday, some of us walked from the beach near the house to the cove and then kayaked back to the beach. I learned two songs during that walk because it literally took an hour; one was in French and the other in German. It was awesome. Then we hung out at the beach, played some games, and went to the hot water beach that night. The hot water beach was one of the coolest things ever. Then on Sunday morning, another girl and I woke up at 6am and watched the sunrise over the ocean, and then four of us kayaked around some small islands for a couple hours before we had to start cleaning and packing. Epic.

New Zealand is beautiful.

Please keep praying for our Fiji team as there is still disunity and an ‘interesting’ social dynamic. I also have been feeling pretty down the past week, so maybe prayer for that too.