You make all things new

Well it seems as though i haven't written in this for quite some time now, and i apologize. We've embarked on a new decade now and i've spent some time reflecting on my past year, but i'm going to try to not get mushy on you.

a year ago i was sitting in my dorm room enjoying the interim lifestyle, trying to keep the thought of leaving school in the back of my mind. it got progressively harder to ignore it when i noticed my friends starting to back away from me because they knew i was leaving them. i felt a little betrayed and hurt, but i can't blame them for it - i know i've done the same thing. i also felt pressure because i was going against the private baptist liberal arts university grain. if i was a good baptist, i wouldn't leave a baptist school and go to a pentecostal-rooted school, right? whatever. i'm still graduating this spring with a social work major and english minor. (you're not allowed to ask me what i'm going to do once i graduate.)

i'm not going to talk about the lecture phase because you can read the other posts before this one.

Outreach was quite the experience, needless to say. in Fiji we did ministry in Lovu Seaside, a squatter settlement near Lautoka. i met an indofijian (that means she's from India, but living in Fiji) woman named Sophie and her daughter Natasha during some ministry time and fell in love with their family. They were once a hindus, but had converted to Christianity. Sophie's eldest son had died about a month before we arrived. He had a tumor on his face so they scraped up whatever money they could and she went with her son to India because medical procedures are cheaper there, and the doctors successfully removed his tumor. Once they arrived back in Fiji the son had an asthma attack and died. it is so tragic. Natasha is the youngest sibling, she now only has two older brothers. She was born two months premature and spent the first few months in an incubator, and she was unable to move; she'd lie on her back and could not even move her eyes. The doctors tried to convince Sophie to euthanize Natasha because they told her that she'd be a vegetable for the rest of her life, but Sophie told them absolutely not. When most babies would be starting to crawl, Natasha was still just lying there motionless. One day a lady from a local church came through Lovu and stopped at their house, Sophie had her pray for Natasha, and the very next day Natasha started moving and crawling around! Natasha is now sixteen years old and is able to walk around and semi-interact with people (because she is unable to speak). Whenever i'd come into their 'house' she'd sit next to me or in front of me and hold my hand. We'd joke around and she had the most radiant smile i've ever seen. i miss her so much.

Western Samoa was very rewarding and challenging. Our team was stretched to our limits and i experienced the importance of unity and humility when facing resistance. I also had the privilege of teaching 12-14 year olds Maths and American history, which was really great.

Coming back to the states was very difficult, i think probably one of the most difficult times in my life thus far. confession, i struggle greatly with loss. i also confess that i am understating that. when i finally open up and get to know people on intimate levels, i have a very hard time letting go. i'm not clingy, mind you, well kinda but not in a physical way. its more like my soul clings to those i love. it's almost been six months and i still get choked up when i think about it. when i got home almost everyone projected 'itmustbesonicetobehome's onto me and i did not tell them that i hated it here and that i'd much rather be back in new zealand. i spiraled into a depression and slept most of the day because i didn't have enough to distract me and sleep was more or less capable of that.

i guess i should post more often so they don't get this long. oops. well i moved back to USF and struggled more with this depression. I also want to say that i don't, and didn't, need a counselor or medication for this; it's ok for me to be sad and depressed sometimes because all of you know the joyful person i am. ok. i took 20 credits this fall semester because i needed to make up for the credits i missed from taking a semester off. so on top of my struggle i also had a ton of class work, and i'd end up doing twelve hours of homework every saturday - give or take a couple. i think i counted about five breakdowns where i just about quit school, not an exaggeration. but i made it! i'm not sure how, but i did. my depression started getting better during october and was gone by november, by the middle of december i had finally gotten back to my normal crazy self.

i was once a shattered soul, a neatly wrapped trauma victim festering with untreated wounds, an insecure young adult who was never going to be good enough. God glued me back together, healed and treated my wounds, and showed me that my confidence can only be discovered when my identity is in Him. can i get an AMEN?!